Global Warming Explained and Explored For Boys

I used to wonder why the Sauk and Fox Indians migrated to Canada in the summer, well my question has been answered. Can you imagine the global warming caused by buffalo farts? And they condemn the White Man for killing all of them? That saved a lot of footwork for the Indians. And we could solve the problem of excessive heat and deadly monsoons in India if they didn’t keep all the cows. With 5 servings of vegetables daily, human methane production will soon rival that of the humble cow. The only solution now to save the Earth from global warming is to cultivate large populations of predators, as least enough wolves and cougars to devour the eco -loons on the West coast. And without the rumbling of human farts from L.A. to San Francisco, the tectonics plates may get a chance to settle down, thus preventing that dreaded San Andreas Fault quake that will send the movie stars into the Pacific.
The dinosaurs survived in a tropical climate, naturally caused by the huge herbivorous Diplodicus and Brotosaurs. The advent of the large carnivores, obviously snuffing out the farts as well as the lives of the huge veggie lovers, caused the global cooling which killed them all. So much for the foolish “asteroid” theory, it was the lack of gargantuan flora farts that was the real culprit, they all just froze to death. As humans became more successful hunters and were able to take down the ever-farting Wooly Mammoth and Mastodon, Cro-Magnon man’s meat filled colons produced such weak and ineffective farts, that the ice-age occurred. It was only after the humans ran out of meat, they were forced to dig for lichen and forbs, thus producing enough potency in their pre-pooping stage, that the ice melted due to the greenhouse gasses emitted by the bean eaters.
The worst mistake made by the green people was the pants beshitting of the Prius drivers, as I’m sure these putrid excretions were accompanied or preceded by farts. In fact, the farting made the cars go faster, like a jet engine, thereby nullifying the braking systems.
In summation, the real problem with the world is farts, yet the Earth herself farts though volcanoes. And then, in rare and inauspicious times, they actually have diarrhea, thus leading to much destruction and entertaining photos in Latin books. The book, An Inconvenient Truth by Al Gore, was originally titled, The Inconspicuous Fart, but he was told by some publishers, that , in the street vernacular, the “Carp” was not a subject to draw much attention, so after meeting with some great minds in Seattle, he was convinced that a fantasy book was more in order, one more lucrative than silencing your farts. In fact, someone got ahold of Gore’s original manuscript, and as by now this frog had become a prince, they discerned he was always writing about global warming and blaming the fart for the devastation of the planet. But herein lies the rub. You see, with all the meat farts emitted by the polar bears, their environment would never be at risk, the only ones to blame in that clime would be the reindeer and it’s cousin the caribou. Now, Gore forbids drilling in Alaska because it could harm the dangerously farty caribou, so isn’t he contributing to the problem? I deduce he is. But if the nations consumed more beans, the greenhouse effect would grow, but be would be offset by the lack of necessity for jet fuel, as super farts could do the transporting. All that would be needed were gliders and Tom Toms. Have I solved, confused, or obfuscated the dilemma? That is what all great thinkers do, and I, as the greatest and most famous author and thinker of all, I have done my job well.


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

One Response to “Global Warming Explained and Explored For Boys”

  1. troll Says:

    Brilliant! Is there any chance you can get a government grant to study it. Well, maybe the grant money can’t be expected until 2012.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: